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Conservatives plan to resurrect public support by creating new Bank Holiday to ‘watch soaps’.

Boris Johnson and his cabinet have today suggested a plan to allow the public a bank holiday to catch up on EastEnders and Coronation street.

The plan, which will ask the cast of both soap operas to film feature length episodes, has been called the ‘best way to reinstate faith in the government’. 

Johnson, who himself has never watched a soap opera, said earlier: “I was amazed, Ms Patel told me there’s this type of telebob show that common people watch, where families engage in outlandish activities including murder and adultery, I’m told it’s extremely popular” 

Leader of the House of Commons, Jacob Reese-Mog said: “the best way to get these poor people to stay indoors is to fill their screen with uneducated garbage that they so adore, it’s a double whammy, the fools think we’re giving them a day off, which they’ll love because they’re lazy, and we get to keep them locked in doors to keep the virus down, they’ll adore us AND keep that virus from spreading to us”

The bank holiday would be in late January. Johnson plans to use the the time off to travel to Mauritius, where he plans on staying in a £5,000 a night resort for up to 4 weeks, greatly exceeding the two days off to watch telly.

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PMQS: Kier Starmer Challenges Boris Johnson to a duel

During todays Prime Ministers Questions, Labour leader Sir Kier Starmer challenged PM Boris Johnson to a sword duel. 

57 year old former human-rights lawyer, Starmer, said the best way to truly see if the Prime Minister was up to the task of navigating this pandemic was to compete in a one on one dual. 

Johnson, who is no stranger to posh-boy antics, laughed at the challenge, claiming Starmer wouldn’t know a “real sword if he walked into it”

Starmer retaliated: “Mr Johnson, I truly believe it is in the interest of the entire nation to understand if you truly can dual, or are you scared to lose?”

Johnson then seemingly blundered, the new social distancing measures in the house of commons meant that his assistant passing him prompt cards was not so discrete, as a white note was tapped on the prime minister’s shoulder. Cameras inside the chamber revealed three words written on the card: ‘call him names’.

The prime minister obliged, and proceeded with a barrage of upper-class insults: “You great big cock-womble, you are floccinaucinihilipilificatious how dare you challenge my dueling credentials, I was top of the class in Eton.. I think.. maybe.. not sure.. perhaps.. either way wait till my father hears about this”. And alas, the prime minister stormed out, clearly unable to contain his rage.

Starmer hit Johnson where it hurt, it’s fair to say. This PMQs was a Starmer masterclass.

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Man eats bat in China: North of England claims independence

A man in the Chinese city of Whuan, ate a bat sometime in December 2019; prompting the North of England to claim independence from its leadership in Westminster.

The consumption of the wild animal, believed to have been purchased in a Chinese wet market, caused a minor, uneventful disease called ‘Covid-19’ to spread around the globe.

The disease, which reached the UK in February, has had a greater impact on the northern regions, such as Manchester and Liverpool, than that of the South. After failed talks between regional councils and Westminster overcompensation for businesses effected by the disease, the North, under former Manchester mayor Andy Burnham, has now declared it’s self an independent state.

Prime Minsiter Boris Johnson in late February said the UK would “take [the disease] on the chin” and that it was “imperative that we put the economy ahead of some coffin-dodgers”

Since it hit the British Isles, Covid-19 has claimed 47,000 lives. Health Secretary Matt Hancock claimed that the deaths were “people on their way out anyway”.

On the stalling talks with then-mayor Andy Burnham, The Prime Minister also said: “We will not be held to ransom by a couple of poor peop- ..sorry I mean northern people who don’t know the first thing about economic planning” 

Andy Burnham, who made his name as a skilled Councillor for Winterfell, will now assume the role under the new-formed government as King of the North; making England two independent states; the South and the North. 

Burnham took to Manchester town hall to declare independence after a resounding poll found that 9/10 northerners wanted him to lead them. The modest mayor said Infront of a packed, gleaming crowed: “You all crowned me your king. I never wanted it. I never asked for it. But I accepted it because the North is my home!” applause exploded as the hands of over a thousand northerners clapped in awe of their new leader. Beer flew across the packed hall as tankards of fine ale were raptouesly flung into the air. 

35 rebel MP’s from the houses of parliament in London sat next to the new king on a long, single table, upon his proclamation that the north was his home, a chorus of skidding chairs was heard as the men and women took to their feet, kicking the seats backwards, they shouted “to the king in the North!” and raised flasks, books, smartphones and whatever else they could find with an outstretched right hand; then fell to one knee and bowed their head to their new leader.

Marcus Rashford, the part-time Wythenshawe footballer has been appointed Burnham’s deputy; as “Chancellor of the North”. He plans to continue his commitments to football, too. 

This is another step in what Conservative voters and leaders are calling “Boris’ Brexit masterplan”. The Southern conservative Home Secretary, Priti Patal, said this was exactly what voters wanted in December, “they wanted a true, granite Brexit – in dismantling the British union we have rid the country of several million undesirable remoaners who were adamant that we keep in touch with our EU neighbours, not on our watch!”

Burnham, who has championed policies like caring for the homeless, compassion for those less fortunate and looking after the most vulnerable in society has been called a “radical maverick” by conservative politicians who claim that caring for people in the 5th richest country on earth is simply impossible if the rich want to stay rich.