The suns coming and the pubs are open – which character are you going to be this weekend?

Here we go, finally it’s summer. we’ve waited since about August 2019 to have a warm weekend in the pub, and finally after 4 months under Soviet style law, countless bluffs from the hapless chaps in charge and Boris’ best attempt to create a political embodiment of Katy Perrys ‘Hot ‘n Cold’ we can, kind of, sort of, sit in a beer a garden on a hot July day.

Drinking in Britain is what swimming is to fish, it’s inevitable – so which pissed up character are you going to embody now you can let some steam off?

Donna – Mamma Mia

Will you be a young Donna from Mamma Mia? swanning off to Greece at the drop of a hat and embarking on 3 whirlwind romances in as many days?

It’s a fair shout, I mean, flights to Greece will be pretty cheap and if you have to quarantine – that farm house is as gooder place as any.

Gary King – The worlds End

The King, the don, the maverick. Actually a pretty sad story this one, a lonely old chap destitute of attention and family wants to embark on the ultimate pub crawl.

Will this be you? are you touching 4o and coming close to a midlife crisis? or are you young Gary starting out? Either way, we feel like this is the most likely outcome of the bunch; a group of British lads diving from pub to pub until the sun goes down. I’d be surprised if a group of random aliens comes and spoil the party, but then again, a lot has happened this year.

E.T – Err, E.T

Who Remembers this little wrinkly bastard getting hammered off a couple of beers in the fridge?

Nah, I don’t either, it was donkeys years ago. But I’m told it was comedy gold back in the 80s.

Either way – will this be you this weekend? hiding away from the newly restricted freedom, sinking some cans on your own. Perhaps you want to take on a stubborn protest until things are really normal. Or you’re just very safe, probably like we all should be.

McGlovin – Superbad

Superbad is immortalised in mid 2000s comedy gold. The oh-so familiar tragic tale of teenage lads trying to shake their V-plates at a far too cool party.

That all sounds very American though. I mean, don’t most brits shake their V plates behind some bike sheds or something. Anywho, every group has one, an utter pest; do you know a hapless grafter? if you don’t, maybe take a look in the mirror.

Jay Cartwright – Inbetweeners

Legend. A true icon of British TV. Scratch that – of British Culture.

Is this how you hope to end up? face down in an ants nest wearing a scruffy England top. This image optimises the Brit abroad; outside a shite hotel, covered in bites wearing a footy top. Seen as Ibiza’s back in its own lockdown, why not pull a Jay this weekend.

Ross and Rachel – Friends

The decade long would they won’t they couple. Now all I see when I watch it back is Melman from Madagascar hitching up with Jennifer Aniston.

But could this be you? could you sneak a trip up to Gretna Green for an impromptu wedding. Or are you just planning on spending the sunny weekend locked in side a casino with drawing on your face? Either way – get stuck in.

Frank Gallagher – Shameless

Have you just been pissed up the whole time? look at him there, two cigs on the go, no idea how many kids he’s got, an absolute burden on society. Great stuff.

Is this your plan? carry on as you have – ride the wave of pissedum right through, at least you can do it in the sun this weekend. Does your local know your order? are you partial to a special brew on the walk home after dark? you’re a Frank, a true legend of the drinking game. Congrats.

Either way – make sure you PARTEEEEEH.


Which Lockdown Look Are you?

Lockdown has changed the world in more ways than that chap from limitless could even count. For a short period, it was even illegal to venture outside for more than hour, or was it? Could we go the park, or couldn’t we? I’m still lost as to what the actual guidelines were, or are, or will be for that matter. But one thing we can know for sure, is that people couldn’t go to their barber or hairdresser.

Alas, as the world stopped still and the distant fear of a baron ’28 days later’ world became a weird reality overnight, hair grew wild, beards grew long and style, well, style just left the picture.

From growing it out or sacking it off all together and going straight for the buzz cut, the resolute human spirit never wavered in it’s crusade against unstylish trims, but often, might we say, it was just in vein.

Some of you may think you’ve gotten through this gracefully so far just like Malcom McDowell in A Clockwork Orange doin’ it up classy in his gown and sipping some fine wine.

Of course David Beckham’s gotten through this all classy, like he always does, that goddamn handsome bastard. Let’s face it though, he could pull of a bin bag. But check out this trim from 2003, how many of you chaps have gone full becks?

Most of us have ended up feeling like Jonah Hill full of ‘Luds over here in The Wolf of Wall Street, only without the smart garms.

Although Jonah Hill manages to rock the 1980s close-to-overdosing millionaire look, I get the feeling that in that situation in real life, we’d look a little more like Rocky Balboa at the end of his first film, just not shouting for Adrien. Speaking of which, who’s rocking the Jesus-Christ-Superstar young Stalone look?

Now we’ve heard that running shoe sales of gone through the roof, and bike sales for that matter. Everyone’s that bored they’ve started exercising. But who can forget the best Athlete the world has ever seen? Has anyone seen a full-blown Forest Gump bodding around?

I don’t suppose anyone’s gone for the Liam Gallagher looking like Edna Mode look have they? could be a classic, one day.

19/06/2008: Liam Gallagher seen near his North London home this morning. Credit: Shephard/ Ref: KGC-82 Exclusive To – All Rounder

In actual fact, the rest of us are probably closer to the random kid in a bath full of potatoes, or at least we will be by the end of it.